smothered hope

Yesterday, I left work early due to the onset of the Evil Death Cramps. I spent the day alternately napping due to the Anaprox I take to control the pain, and reading.

Ok, I know that about thirty percent of this journal is composed of writing about my horrible dysmenorrhea, but I just need to say one thing: Please do not tell me that "some women have it worse" as a means of cheering me up. Please. You have no idea how fucking scary it is to wake up at four a.m. every second month or so, unable to move, unable to speak more than a hoarse whimper, blind in one eye and numb in the fingers, toes, cheek and lips. What's even scarier is not knowing what's causing it to happen, besides a regular menstrual period. What's worst about the whole situation is when most of the doctors you've seen don't even give a damn enough to allow you to explain the whole history, nor to schedule appropriate tests to determine a cause besides hypochondria, hysteria or just plain being female.

Yes, some women probably do have it much worse than me. And you know what? That only makes me feel worse, to know that there's worse pain that people actually live through. It doesn't seem possible, frankly. Furthermore, if there is worse pain, and other women have to live through it, how come there aren't many doctors and scientists who care enough to set up research associations to look into curing it? Why is the US military more likely to screen for endometriosis than every gynaecologist I've visited, despite the fact that I display all of the classic symptoms? Why do I feel like I am probably going to be stuck with this forever? Why do I want to just give up and stab myself in the uterus instead?

I am not trying to be the Queen of Pain. I'm not competing with anybody. And in case it's not apparent, I DO NOT ENJOY THIS SITUATION. I want it to end. I write about it because, well, nobody else will bloody well listen to me. I don't want to be in more pain than anyone, and it doesn't make me feel important to be an invalid. Being in pain makes me feel weak and defective, not at all proud or special. I make a point of saying this because when I am constantly blown off or told that some women have it worse, I immediately get the sense that I'm considered to be an attention-seeker. Get this straight right now: I'm not a seventeen-year-old girl with a LiveJournal, scratching her wrists and listening to Marylin Manson because her Math teacher is a dick. I'm a woman whose body is betraying her, and has been for over a decade, because I can't get proper medical attention for very real problems. I just want someone to listen, and to do something about it. This is not in my head, this is not "just cramps" for which I should take ibuprofen, and I do not want to have a baby in order to find out if pregnancy will cure me. Could it be worse? Well, since I don't know for sure what it is, that's actually up for debate. How bloody comforting.

Since my family are too prudish and stubborn to talk about reproductive health histories with me, I have no idea why my aunt had a hysterectomy, despite the fact that she once told me her symptoms were all the same as mine. My mother (despite the fact that she and her sister no longer speak to each other) keeps insisting that it was a tilted uterus, which was ruled out in my case by an ultrasound. Mom skirts around the issue each time I ask her what was up with those cysts she had. She tries to bring it around to her bout with diverticulitis, which is hardly relevant.

So, if you think I'm all about having a pity-party for myself, here's some more straightening-out: Wallowing in self-pity is not about visiting doctors, reading dozens of books, changing your diet and doing your damndest to function normally, the way I have for the last thirteen years. I certainly have no use for pity because it doesn't make me stronger, nor does it solve my problem. Pity is not constructive. But neither are comments like "some women have it worse than you."

http://www.endometriosisassn.org/endo.html
http://www.endocenter.org/killercramps.htm
http://www.centerforendo.com/endoq&a.htm

(I have more things to talk about in relation to women's health. I'll soon be posting some thoughts about the Emergency Contraception situation in Quebec, and the South Dakotan anti-abortion law passed recently.)

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08