oh now, this is just WHINY 22.02.06 4:10 p.m.
I'm trying hard to discipline myself into writing a journal entry as often as possible, which is difficult for me at this moment, since I can't conceive of anything I'd like to write about. I know, that must sound a bit silly, since we all have things on our minds which we like to talk about. Then again, there are plenty of people too insecure to talk bout more than the weather with most people, so I suppose that's where this entry is going.
Yeah, I guess I haven't a single thing of worth to say at the moment. Sorry. I just don't want to be open with people on the internet right now, nor do I have any fluffy topics to spew on about. I mean, I could talk about the weather (it's cold and grey, and drying out again, which I loathe), or how I've been really bad at sticking to my new gym schedule (I've gone twice in as many weeks), or about a few little things I've got going on, which my superstitious side tells me I'll only jinx into ruin by bubbling on about in public.
I need a laptop computer. I have my eye on an Apple, but those are pretty pricy, even used. So I've been considering another make, on which I would install Linux. Either way, I can't seem to find any satisfactory machines. I haven't looked terribly hard, but then again, I'm being helped by my boyfriend, who is an IBM whore, and thinks it's worth my while to spend nearly as much on a refurbished IBM as I would on a new Mac, only to install a free OS on. Um, yeah, and why don't I buy a used Porsche with 200,000km on it for the same price as a new Honda Civic, especially when I only plan to drive it in an urban centre? Whatever. Either way, I still can't afford a computer.
I have a savings account, but I've put very little in it lately, and I'm half-planning to quit (but I'm too pussy to do so, apparently, since I like not worrying about where my next meal comes from; I guess all that macho talk about how I'd rather starve than be unhappy was just bullshit) (actually, I'm sure starving would make me pretty fucking unhappy), so I'm trying not to use money for very much. Even though I'm still smoking and eating out for lunch every day.
So, um basically, I'm living my life the complete opposite of how I want to be living it, but I'm feeling to fucking blue to shake myself out of the rut, since it has been comfortable and easy enough to do for this long. Hey, why not just get married and settle into the suburbs and get cable tv, seeing as I'm already starting to look and behave exactly like my mother? Hell, she gave up her dreams in life, and look what it got her: a nice, pink house with ugly furniture, kids who live far away and hardly call (another reason I suck), a husband who works out of town most of the year and multiple health problems. Sounds fun, where do I sign up?
ARGH! Why can't I shake my freakin' angst lately? I'm starting to believe I will never become a well-adjusted adult. But hey, I'm only TWENTY-FREAKING-SEVEN, so perhaps next year....
listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)
previously on Smothered Hope:
unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08