some perspective, some vague and scattered thoughts, some married people 29.05.06 2:26 a.m.
I've had plenty to think about lately, and I have some thinking and action left to do. there is so much on my mind these days, I've a hard time sorting most of it out. This is less than conducive to getting myself closer to my goals. Certain things have happened lately to make me think a little harder, some good, some neutral. For example, the wedding I went to yesterday:
My longtime friend Colin married a woman I could not fathom being any better a match for him. Laurie is kind and loving and warm and independent, as well as very intelligent, down-to-earth and just plain sweet. It was a small wedding, probably less than one hundred in attendance, and I was honoured to be among such a carefully chosen crowd. Now, I don't get to see much of them these days, since they live far off the island of Montreal and have hectic schedules, but it was so heartening to realize I have real friends who would welcome me after such a long absence, and be so easy and fun and open as ever. I was happy to see my friends Steve, Christine and Angela, who I've also not had the chance to hang out with since... oh, probably Colin and Laurie's engagement barbecue last year. Everyone looked wonderful, and as compliments were being generously bandied about regarding our outfits and general wellbeing, I felt a funny mix of emotions. On one hand, I was happy to be with great people, talking openly and enjoying myself; on the other, I felt a huge sadness at the fact that the majority of my close friends live far away from me. I need this sort of interaction more often than I might make it seem. I know I really dig doing laundry, but spin cycles can only keep a girl content for so long.
It's a huge deal for me to go out with people, especially since I have chosen this unemployed lifestyle. There have been snags, debts unintentionally incurred, and the vexing fact that my "vacation pay" was not kept as a lump sum to be paid by my former employer, but rather, was meted out paycheque by paycheque during the time I worked there. I had been relying on that money, and now I'll have to take temporary employment to make up for it. So, beer with friends is out of the question, unless they feel like driving all the way out to my neck of the island for movies and BYOB fun.
I can live with that, in theory, but in practice, it doesn't work out so well. It's difficult to break a long-standing consumer habit; give up your source of income for a while if you really want to learn how much money you spend on the disposable and mundane. It's what's usually referred to as a reality check, I believe. I'm starting to behave like Winston Smith during the first half of 1984, squirrelling away razors and extra-squeezing toothpaste and such. I'm not quite at the point of drinking gin from a teacup, but just wait.
But even more like Winston, I'm feeling very alienated, secretive and blue, and this has everything to do with being overwhelmed by my thoughts. Having friends who live far away exacerbates this feeling. Of course, I do have good friends who live much closer, and I'm not discounting them - I need all the support a girl can get. I'm just constrained by the money situation, and getting out to see someone who lives a few blocks away for a cup of tea can end up costing me; for example, taking out a twenty, when all I want is a five for a quick coffee outing puts money in my hands which I may end up spending unwisely, as well as depleting my bank acount of much needed rent money. Ah, the little things. They build up and take their toll. I was lucky enough to make it to Jason's for some tea and good long talk about everything, and it definintely did me some good. For example, I realized that getting a temp job should be my highest priority right now.
If I get a job, I'll have one huge burden off my mind long enough to concentrate on the other things milling about in my skull, but one of my biggest problems is impatience with myself. I want to do it all NOW! I want ot do all of my sewing, writing, job-searching, modelling, socializing this instant. It doesn't help that I agreed to take on a humongous web project while I was having problems with my computer (used parts; what're ya gonna do, eh?), on spec, aaaaaand I have school to prepare for. I shouldn't even start on that. Ever since I got my acceptance letter, I've been feeling blocked as all hell.
Basically, if I think about a starting point for any one task or project, all the others sort of crowd up into the front of my brain and shout, "me! Pick ME! I want to be taken care of, too!" Which of course makes me all nervous and confused, and I feel the need to make a cup of tea and sort out where to start all over again, and... well, you get the picture. It's terribly unproductive. I hate being unproductive. It makes me feel poopy. Like now.
It's been nice to unload a bit of this, and hopefully it will help me get to sleep soon. Hopefully I'll wake up at a decent hour, too, but I'll have to keep my fingers crossed on that one.
**********
I did find a nice outfit for the wedding, in the end, and all in 45 minutes' shopping, to boot. The best part is that all three items will definitely be worn again! Don't you just hate spending money on formal clothes that are only doomed to rot in the closet?
Unfortunately, we (that is, Steve and I) were in such a rush to get to the church, we forgot to bring a camera. I'm afraid that anyone hoping for photos will have to wait until we get the pharmacy click-and-chuck developped. I assure you we looked dashing, our friends were stunning, and the happy couple were absolutely breathtaking. Oh, and the cake had Han Solo and Princess Leia on top, so you know it was all about class (they even played the Force Theme [the music played when Leia awards Luke and Han for bravery at the end of Star Wars - oh god, I'm such a hopeless nerd!] when the bride and groom entered the reception hall.) Damn good wedding.
Ok, I'm beat, this stupid kitchen bench is killing my back, and my mouth tastes like someone pooped in it. Time to brush the pearlies and hit the hay. G'night.
listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)
previously on Smothered Hope:
unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08