smothered hope

I am determined to make things work.
I am determined to live a life I love.

I am determined to finally digest something today, while I'm talking about things that are difficult. (I think something is living in my stomach. Or I have a tapeworm. Or intestinal weasels. Or something. Bleh.) Called in sick today, mostly because I'd be working with The Smelly One (seriously, I don't care if you're from Vancouver-- use deodorant! Especially if you're 6' tall and keep reaching up to the space next to my head), and she never does her job properly. I wasn't really in the mood to lug heavy things about with my stomach gurgling and expelling bile-burps (burfs) every few minutes.

I feel vaguely guilty about this. I'm not a sick-caller-inner, generally. But I am working the late shifts all week-end, and, well, my tummy doesn't feel good. Wah. Also: there were SIX shift leads scheduled today, all overlapping. My absence will make precisely zero impact, so long as Old Smeller actually does something today, besides wander around aimlessly.

In other news: I had some colour added to my newest tattoo. It's not finished, but it's finished enough for the moment. When I have more money (which means, "when I decide to mis-appropriate some money that would be better spent on bills"), I'll be adding a few more features. It's just nice to not have to explain what all the wavy lines are anymore (though most people who don't sew tend to think it's a weird-looking yellow snake coiled around my arm; "What do the scissors mean in relation to the snake? And what are those cans with squiggly lines coming out of them for?"). I'll add a tomato pincushion, a background of white daisies (with a few pink ones thrown in for visual/colour balance, perhaps) and "Measure twice, cut once" in some sort of script. The general style of the piece is fairly old-school, so I look like a pirate ship's seamstress these days. Which, I think, is pretty cool.

Also, there is boy-drama. There is usually boy-drama in my life, so pardon any blase* attitude I may appear to have about it. Basically, two people with low self-esteem will ultimately drive each other nuts if left unattended. Fortunately, I am a natural counsellor, so I managed to open his eyes to the need for actual, proper, from-a-professional counselling, and perhaps when we're both a bit less self-destructive we'll be serious again.

* It's really irritating how I have no keyboard shortcuts to alternate characters in Linux-- suggestions? I like accents!

I know how sad and pathetic that sounds. But you know what? I don't like giving up on things that aren't bollocks. And he's not bollocks, he's just... like me. So I'm going to stop being a pussy and get help for the anxiety and he's going to stop being a pussy and get help for the self-esteem, and we're both going to be a bit nicer to each other, and I don't know what else to call it. If this were Facebook, I'd say "it's complicated." Whatever. I don't give up on people, unless they really fuck me over. And he didn't do that, he just made me really sad and confused for a few days. I have determination enough to get through a rough patch. I've been through worse.

I am determined to have a better life.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08