smothered hope

I'm painfully aware of my rut, but the only question is how to escape without falling into another rut? It seems that each time I try to steer myself from boredom and procrastination, I fall into a pattern which becomes just as tedious and ultimately detrimental to me as the last. I'm certainly a few steps ahead of where I was a few years back, but not nearly as far as I'd like to be.

I dislike it when people ask me what it is I'd really like to be doing. I used to tell people, but I would ultimately be discouraged, and came to believe people only asked you that question in order to put you down. I don't know if that's true or not, and certainly there are both malicious and benevolent people in this world, as well as well-meaning souls with a knack for saying things in the worst possible way. I may have simply had the bad luck of having friends with little tact, as opposed to cruel intent. In any case, I dislike sharing my hopes and plans with others, because I really dislike having them poked full of holes. Suffice it to say that there are things I enjoy in life, and things I'd like to do, but to tell you exactly what they are and how I intend to do them is something I wish to protect because I just don't trust you.

Now, with regards to my job, I'm feeling like that old retiree who worked his ass off for forty years, never garnering a promotion and being forced into retirement. I doubt anyone will even hand me a gold clock anytime soon. So, I might as well leave. Now, what shall I do if I finally muster up the courage to leave? Will I follow up on one of the three job opportunities I've been offered recently? Do I really want any of them? I don't. I can honestly say that I'm tired of working for money with the intent of using said money to fund the things I want to do. The problem with that set-up is that the job s I take keep sapping the energy and will to do those things I love so dearly, or the hours are terrible and prevent me from being as productive as I'd like to be. There's always a catch. What am I really contributing to society? Nothing. I can honestly say that I am a drain on this place, and that's because nobody gives a damn enough around here to make all the employees worth having. I'm definitely worth keeping around here, but I'm not being employed to the full capacity of my skill or knowledge. I'm being wasted, as a resource, and I'm sure as hell not going to take initiative on anything special either. Why is this? Why doesn't anyone want to give me something useful to do, and why am I not finding something challenging? Because I've been told flat-out by my manager that there will never be another pay-raise and there will never be any benefits in it for me. Because he's too lazy to help me get into one of the recognized unions, I'll never be more than what I am right now. DO I need a manager like that, one who takes and refuses to give? Fuck no.

It's clear I should quit, but fear of being broke has me paralysed at this desk. If I quit and nothing I wish to do garners me any wages to live from, what next? Take another crap job, I suppose. Back to square one: another rut. I do not want to play snake-eating-tail any more. I want to bite the damned thing off, cut my losses and move forward. I want to take risks if there stands a chance to do something wonderful, but I'm not about to do something doomed. Not to mention how I'd rather not put up with the judgement and "advice" of fair-weathered friends. You know: that back-handed encouragement spoken in monotone with a false smile plastered on in a pathetic attempt to lie to me about how I'm doing what's right for me, regardless of the fact that it's a terrible idea. Ha ha. But hey, you know, it might just work, and uh, good luck with that, I guess. And you know what, Mom, you might be right - I think they are jealous, since most of them have failed miserably, too. I mean, if they were really so successful themselves, they'd be rich and not in contact with the likes of me, right?

Anyhow, I'm still mulling the whole thing over. I'm tempted to get it over with, right this very moment, only my manager is away for the rest of the week.

Each morning I wake up and have my mood ruined. My first instinct is to spoon into Steve, who is warm and smooth and smells nice, but my woken brain says I have to drag my ass out of bed, forego breakfast and get to work. The entire morning ritual ruins each day for me because I am using energy I could be putting into making breakfast or doing a morning workout (which despite my complaints about the gym and all, I actually do enjoy) to go to a job where I am undervalued, under compensated and nearly invisible. The only benefit to this job is that nobody seems to notice or care when I slack off. Slacking off, while it makes lazy people happy, irritates me. I like being productive. I like being challenged. I like being legitimately busy. I can read comics anytime. I can catch up on blogs and diaries anytime. I could be sewing or cleaning or working out or drawing or writing something besides a page full of complaints at this moment. But I'm here, and I'm the only one keeping me here.

It's just the fear of starving and losing the few things I own and need....

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08