smothered hope

Well, there remain a mere 22 days before the next issue of BlackHeart Magazine, and I have barely got a quote from the printer's. Anybody want to donate to the cause? Not to mention that we haven't secured a venue for the launch party. Anybody got an in with Casa del Popolo (where Laura had actually called a few months back, but never got follow-up)? In any case, we need a hook-up with some cash and somewhere to entertain our local readers. To top it off, the piece I started for the issue still isn't finished. It's likely going to suck, or at very least, reflect the emotional stress I've been through over the holidays.

I have to vote this evening, and unlike most of my fellow Canadians, I will not be voting strategically. I will actually vote for the guy I believe in, regardless of all attempts by the media and a mostly cow-eyed public to make my country's governemnt a two-party system. Harsh? Yes. True? Also yes. That goat-fucker, Harper, is probably going to become the next Prime Minister, but it's gonna be a minority, if I have my say.

After the vote this evening, Kurt is hosting a Warhol's Factory get-together, which I'm actually grateful for, because it forces me to think about creative projects and to get some work done. Who knows, perhaps I'll even finish the story I started for the BH Anti-Valentine issue. That is, if no-one minds me sitting in the office in back.

Thanks to Captain Retard (a.k.a. evilexboss) having painted me into a corner, there isn't going to be much more work for me around here. Of course, co-worker K and the manger seem to think otherwise. I told manager straight up that I despise this job last week (yeah, I'm slick, I know), and he tried to get me a hook-up with the Journalism department. Not job-wise, but rather student-wise, I should mention. Which brings me to the question of What the Fuck am I Going To Do With My Pathetic Life? I don't really talk about all the things I think about in here anymore, mostly because I fear I'll jinx myself if I do. (Resulting in my having very little as far as emotional outlets, and subsequently feeling most of the time like I'm going to explode.) Do I really want to be a National Geographic journalist? I've never wanted to be a novellist, but I wouldn't mind being a poet - that is, if being a poet could pay even the minimum of my bills. I've always wanted to be a rock-star, but let's face it, I hate the type of guys who populate rock bands. (Not even going there. Anyone who's been subject to a guitarist's ego can figure it out.) I also can't write music for shit, so scratch that; it's not meant to be. I know I could model, since I'm so fucking hot and all, but that's just a part-time job, as far as I'm concerned. Oh, and I'd have to lose thirty pounds, grow six inches and have plastic surgery, but I'm sure that will pay for itself. Next!

I'm still thinking about travelling, but that would require working here long enough to save up the dosh for what I need. I'm on it already, but I'm so bloody sick of being here that I'm not sure I'll hang in long enough to amass the cash. Mind you, I've managed to do fairly well, what with the zero debt and bit of cash towards a laptop already taken care of. A driver's license might be a good start, though. I mean, that's not mentioning the car. Because really, if you're going to take off all by yourself to cross the country with your few meagre possessions, in search of self and maturity, why not do it on your own terms? Why risk safety on Greyhounds, or lose precious exploration time by whisking past the scenery in a train? Besides, having a car means always having somewhere to sleep. Ha!

Of course, if I decide to travel, I won't begin my education (and hopefully subsequent career) until I'm, like, thirty. Which would suck dramatically, because if there is one thing I'm afraid of being, it's thirty. I'm also terrified of rooms full of people I don't know, and coupled with being thirty, school would just be the most terrifying experience I could imagine three years from now. Of course, the only thing more terrifying is the prospect of having the exact same job after obtaining a degree, like a certain proud McGill graduate I once knew did, and which is what has helped me keep such mixed opinons on the actual relevancy of a degree these days. I mean, it really only serves as a "get a job" ticket in most instances. Unless you're terribly specialized in a field which needs people, you're basically paying a bribe to get yourself a job. Especially since most of the people I know used their degrees to get a foot into the door of companies and institutions where their field of study was irrelevant. How demoralizing! I want to both get an education and work in a field I love. If I wanted to settle for a shit job, I'd keep up with what I'm currently doing.

So, what should I do? You don't have an answer for me, you're in the middle of your degree/love your job/think I'm nuts and only read this journal to revel in your hatred for me anyhow/can only tell me to follow my dreams/insert generic bullshit here. Well, in my past experience, everyone is always full of advice when they disapprove of what you're doing. It has also been my experience that when others disapprove, it's because you're doing the right thing/not benefitting them in some manner/making yourself happy for a change. Furthermore, these are the same hypocrites who tell you to follow your dreams - too bad they only mean "when it's convenient for them." And that's ok; by this standard, taking the path which pisses the largest number of people off must be the way to achieve something great. I'll start today.

In other news, my favourite podcast seems to be impossible to download in its entirety today. Fucking crappy hosts; podcast.net keeps stopping the Quicktime download after two minutes, and podcastdirectory.com gives random snippets, neither of these sites claiming to offer any less than the full show. The host of the show has a minimalist website with no contact info whatsoever, nor a link to his show, so I'm kinda fucked if I want to listen to it. This is a big suckaroo, kids; I don't work so hot without music.

I'm gonna go give it one more shot before putting the same Nick Cave CD back on (since it's all I have to listen to here at the Office of Doom). My last bit of advice today: Never lie to anyone you either respect or want to sleep with. You'll eventually get caught, and the other person will neither respect nor want to sleep with you anymore. I've seen it play out too many times in the last little while, take it from me, kids.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08