the return of the... 25.11.06 1:52 a.m.
Well, well, well, well, well, well. Well. It's been a while, hasn't it? I know. It's mostly school. School has been eating my brain, partly in the obviously negative way, partly in a terrific way. But I haven't been inside myself as much as usual. I've been about myself, which is different, but not in my head like I usually am.
Life has become weird, in that, it's a different existence, one I haven't had in a long time, and even so, still different because I've grown and changed in the ten years since last I was both a full-time student and single. Single. Hrm. See, that's one of the weird bits. Still not used to that.
I'm going through an expected and typically-me existential angst thing right now, but not in the typically-me way. I can't really say anything positive or negative about it; life just is. I exist, I go to school, I do homework, I freak out about finances, and otherwise I just try to be a normal person (whatever that is), because there doesn't seem to be another way to do it. I'm not saying this is bad, or good. It simply is. I could say a ton of cynical shit about how people ain't no good (thanks, Mr. Cave), how nobody gives a dman when you're down, how every man friend turns into a letch when he finds out you're single (no offense, guys, but my lady friends just aren't behaving the same way), how buddies don't really care about your tears or pain or confusion, but it wouldn't be true, not entirely. (Only true enough to make a person run on autopilot in certain circumstances.) There's the other side, where I tell you that, frankly, being sad is bloody boring, each person I tell the news to expecting me to cry on their shoulder is sort of tiresome, and the more I repeat it, the less it seems real, making me feel less real, making my life seem even sadder by virtue of having all the passion sucked out of it. So there it is: I'm not going to dwell on shit out loud because it sort of dulls the emotions, and I need those emotions intact if I'm ever going to sort them, examine them, and ultimately make peace with them.
Don't get me wrong - it makes me glad, helps me feel human to know some people genuinely care. Fuck, I need that, as much as, if not more than, anyone else. I just don't want to become a bad-news-bot, spewing the "I broke up with my longtime boyfriend, school is kicking my ass and I have no money," line to everyone. Anyhow, I realize that the only reason I haven't found a job yet is that I haven't tried very hard to find one. Which, of course, is due to my general headspace being all rewired, something I will surely recover from. It's worrisome to have to do all these emotionally taxing tasks at once, but it won't keep my heart from pumping, nor my lungs from working, so I suppose I have to soldier on. Haven't got a choice, now, have I? Hahaha.
I think the part that's messing me up right now is the sense of being truly one single person. I am not connected to another, not emotionally tethered, not a leg of a compass, not invested in someone else anymore, and that feels lonely. I see the beautiful potential of being completely and utterly independent, but it's hard not to see myself as a rock in the middle of the sea, as well. I've always felt like I was different from everyone else, but now I feel like I'm the only different one in the world.
Boo hoo, blah, blah, I know, everyone feels that way, chin up, yadda yadda. I'm describing an emotional state here, people, chill out. I'm not crying, and "bummed" isn't contagious. Humans need to learn some acceptance. Um, sorry, gut reaction: it seems that the people who aren't trying to comfort me are sneering at my emotional vulnerability these days, as if dealing with a suddenly and radically different life is something regular people take in stride with sincere grins every day. Boo to them. They aren't my real friends, obviously, but that's where the whole stranded feeling comes in: I see too few people who are real lately.
Ok, here's a good way to explain how this is neither negative nor positive, but just strange: Realizing who is and is not a real friend hasn't got me weeping for any lost friendships, it's simply something I'm making note of. Like, "X doesn't seem to care; fine. Y is being helpful and cheery; cool. Noted." All humans, good and bad, seem distant, no matter how wonderful and close they are, and that's because I am distant, even from myself.
I want to take a long trip, alone, and reconcile myself. However, I've committed myself to this school thing, at least for now. Also, I'd definitely have to put away some money and make serious plans if I intend to pull off a trip of any length. Still, it seems like the right thing to do. And I don't mean shuffling off to some relative's or friend's place - that would be the same as now, where I go through motions and deny myself my own mind. I need solitude. It doesn't have to be for long, nor in a cave or on a mountaintop. I just want to, perhaps, go to a different city for a month or so, speak to people I've never met, surround myself with unfamiliar and therefore non-binding surroundings, and just think. I have attachments here as well as elsewhere, but I'm losing the attachments I had to myself. I need to be somewhere I'd have nothing but myself to depend on; I think that would be healthy, do me a world of good. For now, I've got to keep soldiering, keep flying on autopilot until my responsibilities are taken care of (however minimally), before I'll be able, allowed, capable of doing anything for myself.
The only things we get to keep in this life are our minds and our bodies, and the bit about the mind is dubious. A person can't contribute to anyone else unless they are in complete possession of themself, and so I'm looking forward to the day I get to have me. Don't make me wait, world.
listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)
previously on Smothered Hope:
unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08