smothered hope

(cross-posted; mental spew; please forgive lack of writing style, interesting content)

OK, so, existential crisis, take 498739842734.

I am having a hard time trying to break my programming. Twenty-seven years of being told what to do an how to do it has turned me into a mindless idea-bot. No, wait - not so dramatic. Start again.

The honest truth is that my life has been micro-managed since birth. I have been aware of it the entire time, and started rebelling pretty much in kindergarten, but somewhere along the way, They broke me. Which is to say that when I entered the workforce, I figured I'd better play by some semblance of the rules in order to get by. So I did, and at first I was doing fine with the whole double-life thing, until I started my former job. Somewhere in all that mess, I got sucked in and forgot about a certain amount of independence.

Obviously, I can still make decisions for myself, as evidenced by the decision I made to fuck off from the aforementioned Job of Doom. I'd been saying for a while that starving would be better than working there, and so far, it is. Only now I'm feeling stumped about where to go next.

I have ideas. Tons of ideas, good ideas, too. I have skills and talents and energy that is all going to waste because I haven't figured out where to start. And that is a direct result of allowing myself to be told what to do and how to do it for years and years. Hence, my existential crisis.

I am stellar when it comes to organizing everyone else's shit. I can tell you what and how to do everything, just like all of those managers/teachers/parents did with me. I just can't seem to give myself permission to boss myself around the same way. If I took my own advice, I'd be rich by now (or at least not dipping into my savings).

I've spent the evening trying to clear out my head, stop thinking of every single thing at once, and make a plan. I need a plan, a strategy, a way to make my ideas come together. The silly, superstitious, negative part of me doesn't want to share my plans with anyone, lest I be betrayed or let down somehow. Yes, that's overprecautious at best, paranoid at worst, but it is an obstacle I need to work with.

My first step (in clearing my mind and facilitating the return of my former independent, rebellious, self-sufficient attitude) is to clean my apartment. When I lived with my folks, cleaning and re-organizing my bedroom was the first thing I'd do when I had a creative block or anxiety troubles, and it always helped.

I'm off to fold laundry. Wish me luck.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08