low 08.04.08 12:36 p.m.
Working on a play for class. It's due at 6pm. Also, an essay I haven't started yet. (It's a short essay; I might be able to fake that one.)
Boss chewed me out over Facebook regarding something he should have spoken to me in person about a long time ago. Very abusive. I accept that I've had the crazy lately, but he pretty much stopped short of telling me to die. I can guarantee that nothing I've done recently merits that kind of vitriol. And then he insists that he likes me, and that I'm deluded for thinking he hates me. Never even mind that Facebook is most definitely NOT the venue for work-related discussions.
I lost a day of homework time over this. Just crying and crying. I'm still convinced I'm a monster. I have to complete this paper. Then I work seven days straight. Then, I don't know what. I'm terribly lost.
Worst month in recent memory. I wish the attacks would stop. I wish I could somehow make people understand, it's not me, it's the anxiety. Please don't make me take pills. Please just hear me out. Please tell me if you think something's wrong.
A friend committed suicide a few weeks ago. No funeral; too hard for the family. I understand, but no closure. It's been eating away at me. She had anxiety problems, too. We used to talk late at night about it. Hadn't seen her in a long, long time.
I'm low right now. All I can think is that everyone who has ever known me thinks I am a terrible, terrible, fucked-up, miserable, ugly person. It makes me want to disappear. I feel like I have no redeeming qualities anymore. I feel like I am no longer who I was, and now I have no idea who or what I am... but if anything, it's not good.
On the outside, you will think I'm fine. I make sure of this.
This is a somewhat secret. Don't snitch.
listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)
previously on Smothered Hope:
unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08