smothered hope

So last night didn't quite pan out the way I expected, but it was pretty good, nonetheless. Lucas' phone seemed to be off all night, so we never go to hang out. Walk The Line was awesome, despite being laden with formulaic, saccharine Hollywood touches. (Joaquin Pheonix is fucking spooky when he sings. Spooky.) Woody didn't want to go to a show or drinking at all, so I was at his mercy after the movie. We met up with Matt, had ok sushi, and the boys went home.

I realize that it shouldn't be a huge deal, and I'll have the chance to see SDR another time, and my friends are not deliberately, maliciously forcing me to miss out on things I want to do. Only it seems that I never get to choose outings, and it drives me nuts sometimes. I have to learn to ditch people when they're holding me back. Fuck 'em. It sounds mean, and I did enjoy seeing my friends last night, but in general I tend to let people dictate what I do because they're being a baby about something - something I never get away with. So, the next time someone whines, I'm stopping the car and they can walk home. Metaphorically speaking, yo.

This morning's coffee break is a great example: We went to a different café because we wouldn't have to cross the street in the rain to get there. Which I'd be fine with if we'd sat at a proper table instead of a coffee table with inadequate seating. Or if we hadn't been accosted by an Administrator from another department, who monopolized the conversation talking about something an e-mail would have covered in half the time. Or if the café weren't twice as far as the usual one. Yeah, I know, this is nitpicking; but at the same time, we could have had a comfortable table with comfortable chairs, been served faster (did I mention the others were complaining about the service and prices at the alternate café?), and been able to stick to our "no work-talk" rule.

I think I'll go back to standing on the back veranda whilst smoking. I mean, yeah, hanging out with non-smokers helps me to cut down a bit, but they take long breaks, something I can't do. I get antsy when I know that fifteen minutes is almost up, because someone in my group will notice my clock-in time and make a snide comment about it.

Which reminds me: The bullshit's begun again at work. I really can't go into detail, but I'll say this: plus ça change....

I got the vacation I asked for. I will not be in this shit hole next week. I should have asked for two weeks. I should look for a new job. (Or should I? Do I really want one?) I'm joining the Y tomorrow, and I plan to work out all week. I'm also going to that specialist next Thursday, which will hopefully garner something useful (good news, bad news, something that isn't condescending and lazy).

I feel like I wasted my break. I know that's so stupid, but I'm feeling low on energy (despite the spinach and egg sandwich I just had), and I wish I'd just gone for a walk. I think the rain and my impending vacation are teaming up to make me cranky and anxious for 5pm. I'm going to dream up a fake errand I can run in order to get out of the office for a bit.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08