hangover! (sung to the tune of Makeover! from Clone High) 26.01.05 12:04 p.m.
The cube thing gets better all the time. When I called my boss to ask what he wanted me to do with the lists I'd compiled for him, he told me to "go for a smoke, take a break, do something else to get your mind off of it." (Later we will be going over the data together, so he doesn't want me burnt out on it yet.) Basically, I have not only his permission to be writing this entry right now, but his insistence. Heh.
I've been kind of gloomy and down lately, enough to have me on a bit of a bender. Bear in mind, for me a bender means smoking a joint more often than once every two months, or getting drunk, ever. (I was, at one point in my life very compulsive with the mind-altering substances, and although I never got into the really awful stuff - specifically, heroin and coke - I was treating myself like a pile of shit, and made myself frighteningly ill a few times. I no longer go on drinking binges or experiment with how many prescription and illicit drugs a body can handle at one time. I have, fortunately, learned healthier coping methods. But I do occasionally long for the safety of oblivion, the excuse for erratic behaviour, and the lack of inhibition that comes with being wrecked.) Lately, I've been dabbling in the grass quite a lot. Like, almost every week-end, and a few week nights, as well. Plus drinking. I owe a certain caf�/lounge eighteen bucks for beer and vodka/redbull. Last night it was red wine, Frank Sinatra, too many cigarettes, and the Little Prince in some faux-swank seafood resto-bar. Ugh. I came into work today with a one-star hangover. Coming into work with any hangover is generally against my principles. As in, do not get a hangover to begin with. So yeah. I'ts time to lay off the sauce.
Boys are stupid. New Work Friend is stupid. That is all I will say about that for now. I'll expand upon that if it's necessary, or if I stop feeling annoyed with New Work Friend (who, I imagine will be needing either a name or a pseudonym soon enough, since he won't be a "new" friend much longer - or a friend at all, if he keeps behaving like such a dumb-bum).
I still dream of wheat fields and cowboy hats and a little blue hatchback. I think about the loneliness, and how much it will hurt, and how good I will feel when I have faced my fear, permitted it to pass over me and through me. Yes, I still have the Litany Against Fear posted at my desk. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.