smothered hope

Better today. Work was fun because boss wasn't there. Sussing out who is on my side. Which is preposterous to me, since I didn't create and want no part in this drama. A boss should be professional, not manufacturing rivalries and holding grudges. Mine is an overgrown teenager.

Still trying to complete the work. Got the usual "you're throwing it all away" not from the prof, and I won't say anything to the contrary. I need to do something about my health because I can't use it as an excuse if I can't back it up. The bags under my eyes are not as viable as doctors' notes.

Here's the moment of frustrated irrationality: I feel like I'm being cursed by some higher power re: school. It seems like every time I make an effort to make it my first priority, whatever job I have at the time starts turning up the suck to eleven.

I'm clearly not built for stress. I doubt myself and feel worthless because I can't seem to handle what other people manage to get through... I'm not saying it's easy for other people, but rather that I break down far too easily. Defective. Whatever.

I will keep trying. I'm still in the "I don't know what to do" camp, but I've moved out of the inner circle of immediacy to the larger, big-picture area. I know we're all just figuring shit out as we go along, faking it most of the time, but damn, some Coles Notes or something would help.

I feel like I missed the memo. The important one, the one about the training session for life, and everyone else got the primer, but I missed out.

Damn it.

Ok, back to fumbling around blindly. Hopefully I'll come up with something.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08