just when the day seemed a little brighter, someone comes along to tell me I'm bad and wrong and evil 06.01.06 9:48 p.m.
Of course I put myself at risk writing in here the way I do. Of course I don't say nice things. There are plenty of caveats, often made, about how this is a catharsis journal, about how this is just bitchery upon bitchery. This isn't about me being a talented writer or a blogger or anything "cool".
Being made to feel two inches tall because I'm not Queen of the Interwebs is pretty lame. This is just for bitching. And in case you didn't hear me properly: This page is just for bitching.
I don't show you my good stuff. Because you already make fun of me on a regular basis as it is. I mean, I don't know how many people really are my friends, considering how many of them feel that remarks I find hurtful are harmless jokes. No, of course they wouldn't know how hurtful it is when they say it, because if I did tell them, I'd be told to lighten up or they'd otherwise get defensive. I know this because I've tried telling them. You hurt me sometimes, and you won't know it because I don't feel you'd really care that much even if you did. I feel justified in mocking your haircuts and smelly socks and musical taste and sayings and lifestyles because you all mock mine. You all cut me down, when I'm just trying to be myself, honestly. I don't want to care what you think, but your comments sting often enough for it to be a struggle to even like myself at times.
That's all of you. Everyone says things that hurt, or make me doubt, and we all do it to each other. I must have said plenty to that effect to others, as well, but they're obviously not saying so. So when I make a stupid little Diaryland page to whine and moan about it, it's just to relieve myself. If you see it, if you get off of your "I'm too cool for everything not advertised on Boingboing" high horse and read what's here, don't tell me I'm an awful person for writing it, mmmkay?
At least I have feelings.
listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)
previously on Smothered Hope:
unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08