smothered hope

What a difference a few degrees' warmth can make. Despite the fact that this bladder infection hurts like a bitch, despite the fact that I am now feeling torn about whether or not to wait on my resignation, despite the fact that my favourite boy isn't allowed to touch me until his psoriasis clears up and he's been clean of the evil cortisone cream for a while yet, I still have this feeling like everything's gonna be okay.

Psoriasis is harsh. Steve's lucky he doesn't have it as intensely as his sister does, but I've seen him when he's going through a particularly bad spell, and it doesn't seem fun. He's recently had to cut out his usual method of treatment, cortisone cream, until his latest flare-up has subsided, because it may contributing or even causing the re-occurring yeast/bladder/random infections of doom in my girlie bits. The other thing his dermatologist has told him to knock off until all is healed: sexy sexin', touchy touchin' and self-lovin'. The agony! My junk is messed up, his junk is off-limits (and so's the rest of him for my own good, lest I absorb more of the evil cortisone via smooches), and there have been excessively mournful, longing glances between us at the homestead in direct result. I have been drowning these sorrows in alcohol, like a healthy person is wont to do. I mean, no, of course I wouldn't drink while taking antibiotics, certainly not!

I haven't been doing much work lately. In fact, my manager hasn't even told me about whatever antivirus-related happenings I've been overhearing a co-worker deal with. I want so desperately to leave, but there have been a few thoughts in the last few days to make me consider holding off. For example: the consensus seems to be that since a good person is now supervising my group, she may instigate some positive changes. While it certainly is possible, I have a nasty feeling she may be a puppet of the manager, very likely without even knowing it, and won't really have any power to help me advance in any way. I know that simply liking your co-workers doesn't justify remaining at a horrible job, but it is hard to resist certain lovely people here. Hell, yesterday they completely floored me with a surprise-belated-birthday party! I got a gift certificate for a café I like, a sheet of fake tattoos and a single-serving bottle of Jack Daniels (the alcoholism, she shows!). We shared an incredible pecan pie and I generally felt all warm and fuzzy about the whole thing.

Ok, you want co-worker love? A super-cool woman from another group just invited me to the morning coffee outing she goes on with her friends each morning. I'm feeling it.

I know it would be best for me to go out into the wilderness of UI and blaze a trail or something, but sometimes this job does feel cushy. I'm torn about the resignation-handing-in resolution. I promised myself I wouldn't stay past January, and if I want to fairly give two weeks' notice, I have do it soon. The people I have spoken to have asked me what I would like to do, were I to stay, and the problem is that I can't really think of anything. I'd probably get some sense of satisfaction from Kathryn's job, but she's already doing it, and she does a fine job of it. Besides, it wouldn't be that great. Other than that, I haven't the skills, qualifications or degrees required. It's rather depressing, actually. I mean, knowing I'm probably capable of most tasks I could find around here, but not truly being qualified. This is where the whole existential crisis enters the scene: why am I here if I am merely superfluous?

What kills me is that my manager wouldn't be keeping me if he didn't need a sucker for this project, would he? I'm sitting here, doing the barest minimum of work each day, fattening my butt and reading cartoons and chatting on Google Talk while the poor dude thinks I'm creating some genius asset management plan. I call him "poor dude," and really, he's not that bad, but on the other hand, I've been here long enough to know that even if I had developed the Asset Management Plan of Brilliance and Light, I'd still never see a raise or a contract or any sort of advancement. I'm somewhat of a Milton. A little, female, foxy Milton with slightly better enunciation. I'm no longer so worried about my desk being moved to Storage Basement B now that evilboss is gone, but I do feel rather overlooked, and that ain't cool.

I know I've allowed myself to drown in mood swings over my job for the last few months, but I'm finally starting to get some perspective. I may stay on a few weeks longer, for the cash, yo. I might even consider working this job part-time, since I've already proven to myself that I don't really need to spend more than a few hours a week to get the bare minimum completed. But I need the time and space to continue pulling my shit together, and to facilitate that, I might need to save some more cash, first.

I really feel like everything is gonna be okay. In the meantime, I will be devising my plan to make it so. stay tuned for further developments....

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08