smothered hope

I'm feeling a little disconnected from the rest of humanity. I mean, more so than usual. I'm becoming convinced that there isn't a single person I can connect with on the level I wish to. It seems as though every person I've known has had a barrier, a boundary that I somehow manage to cross. Even if it isn't explicity stated, I can often feel that wall there, or if it's not a wall, it's simply a lack of understanding that cannot be helped. So I have no choice but to back off. Which is fine, because I wouldn't want to push anyone to a point where they'd resent me, even though I have on many occasions. But it's clear now that others require less than I do, and it's a little alienating, at the best of times.

My digestive tract is in knots, likely from the greasy food I indulged in yesterday. French fries twice in one day! Poutine! Soda, even! I missed my gym visit yesterday out of exhaustion and a lack of preparedness. It looks like I'll miss it today, as well, since Woody's coming over for dinner. I'll have to remember to prepare a bag for tomorrow. I can't slack on this, or else I'll sink into that damned February hole (and it's so close to the end of winter). I lack discipline and organization (discipline can be re-learned).

I'm waiting to go to a meeting I have no interest in attending. I can discipline myself to preform such drudgery, yet I can't seem to haul my carcass to the Y at lunch.

It's good old Bullshit Corporate Holiday Designed to Make People Spend Money and Drive Singles to Depression today. Otherwise known as Valentine's Day. I don't normally care about it, but somehow I feel like shit today. See above.

This morning my usual bus was late, so I hopped on the other line and took the green metro all the way to work, instead of switching over as I usually do. The "couple" who work one floor below me were there on my car, as they are often, and I was surprised to see that they live further east than I do. (That is to say, if they were already on the train, they must have boarded at least one stop sooner.) I've always suspected they were together, but other people have told me they weren't at all, one person even saying he thought they were married to different people. But this morning, the man, G, was holding on to the pole with a certain lean towards the woman, S. Her shoulder propping her small frame against the wall as she leafed through a newspaper, she seemed comfortable having G's arm arched over her, as though she were nestled up to him without actually touching. I'm pretty sure they're involved; it seems doubtful that they both happen to live so far down the metro line. In any case, they seem to have a genuine bond. They always have, each time I've seen them together; they look like they understand each other in a way no-one else might. It makes me happy to look at them.

I'm not saying I've never connected with anyone on a level I'd like to, just that I haven't for a long time. I keep hitting walls with people, and I've driven more away in the last two years than I had in the previous five. Or perhaps it just feels that way because I haven't met anyone special and new to fill the gaps with.

I suppose most people believe they only need that one special person, some bullshit about a "soul mate," and so they reserve their real feelings for the person they fuck. I can't go through motions of friendship with people; I'm not built like that. I don't need every person I know to be a confessional or an oracle. I just want to know I can be completely comforable around people, and part of that is knowing that I won't hit walls or feel resistance when I try to get to know them or relate to them. I certainly don't want or need to sleep with my friends. But unfortunately, too many people I've managed to get close to assumed I was doing so as a manner of seduction, and that makes me sad in ways I can't explain.

You just can't tell some people you love them. It's not even their fault; they might have been raised that way, or terribly shy, or perhaps just a little stupid, emotionally. And I suppose this is why I feel myself introverting a bit. Needing other people does not make me feel the least bit healthy, and furthermore, I'm beginning to resent investing myself in people who don't share as much with me. (Worse, when they assume there will be sex involved.) I'm beginning to feel like an island. Maybe I'd rather be lonely than hurt....

I have to go to that meeting now. I haven't much optimism for what that will produce. But I suppose I'll have to be disciplined about it.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08