choices 11.01.06 11:04 a.m.
I have so mnay thoughts that need organization. I have ideas, and there are things I'd like to be doing with them. None of them include my job, or the things I do there. I have booked myself up real tight for the rest of the week with things I want to do and need to do, but nowhere in there is enough relaxation. Relaxation of the sitting quietly variety, I should mention, as I have scheduled plenty of recreation (drinks, movies, etc.), but no real exercize or lounging or thinking or writing in solitude.
Small things fuck with me more and more easily these days. For example, I spent most of yesterday irritated because of a comment someone made via e-mail, which in retrospect was not really insulting, just poorly worded due to a lack of social skills on the writer's part. I am experiencing a severe lack of spirit, obviously due to work dissatisfaction. My boss' dismissal was too little, too late, especially in light of the fact that I have felt more than ignored by the same administrators who I went to for help in the first place. Rather, I feel much like they are favouring Kathryn. Maybe it's just the way I feel, but I'm certainly not getting, nor have I ever recieved, the type of follow-up to my concerns that she has. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Unless of course, having short hair, a big nose, bags under my eyes, and no cleavage is the problem. Oops! I let that damned cynicism out again.
Feeling like an oversight at my workplace, hating myself for being such a stupid patsy, wishing I wasn't the poster girl for this. Just re-arranging this page cheered me enough to get through a few hours of work. The problem is, I don't have enough time on my hands to do things like that. No, the real problem is that I want to give up my grown-up job which affords me my comfortable life. If I leave it, I will not be able to save money. I will not be able to save for the things I want and need, like a laptop, my driver's license, eventually, a car. Hell, I'll have enough trouble paying the bills I already deal with. the reality of this became clear when I was talking to co-workers last night; they began discussion of their investments, and at some point, Gillian looked at me and became very apologetic. "Oh god, I'm boring you to tears, aren't I?" No, not bored; vaguely depressed, because there's one more thing I haven't the money for, nor will I, if I leave this job.
People tell you that you have to consider your health above all. You always ask yourself if your sanity is worth whatever sacrifice you're contemplating. But the truth is that the way the Western world is plotted out, you haven't truly got that choice. Life is made extremely difficult for those of us who wish to pursue different paths, and poverty is usually inevitable. I do not want to go without dental or health care (because Canada's medical coverage isn't as universal as they'd have you believe - we not only pay taxes on menstrual hygene products, but we're expected to pay for gyn visits, too), or a bus pass in winter, or those other little things that come up, but you have to cut corners because minimum wage doesn't afford you much besides your rent and maybe a bit of food.
Yeah, I always forsee the most horrible conclusion. Then again, I haven't much positive experience to base my assumptions on. Ugh. This job is eating me alive.
I remember a few years ago, I was feeling myself changing for the better. I could feel more confidence, happiness, direction, ideas; I was optimistic. Then things fell apart. I had to try to hold my life together amidst some bad shit that wasn't really anyone's fault, which in turn created situations that were. And it snowballed. then it hit bottom. Then I began building things up again, and just when I thought it was finally going the right way, I started working here.
Can I blame a job for wasting three years of my life? No. It's my own fault I've stayed here this long. Nobody held a gun to my head. It may have felt like that at times, but it was ultimately my own doing. It will be my own choice to leave, as well.
listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)
previously on Smothered Hope:
unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08