smothered hope

I was writing a characteristically vulnerable entry about how I cannot motivate myself until someone gives me something more concrete to work with than the usual "life is what you make it" bullshit. Then I got an e-mail from Warren Ellis (oh, chill; I'm on his mailing list, he don't know me from Adam). I won't reprint it here, since it ain't my freakin' business to do so, but he ended it by saying he's "not a team player". Indeed.

So I will sum up the three entries I wrote (but deleted) by stating the following:

I am not a team player;
Spare me your motivational, Tony Robbins-esque claptrap - I'll express my feelings of dauntedness if I so please!
I absolutely must quit this job, and if not, I think I need to be forcibly removed from it, for the sake of what sanity I still possess;
I think it is high time I started an anger management program, like, say, randomly punching people in the back of the head; I'll bet that would help my anger dissipate fairly quick.

If I seem unreasonable, please bear in mind that I am broke until tomorrow, I forgot my lunch at home, my roommate is doubtlessly eating it as I type, and I spilled half of the tea I bought with my last twoonie all over a stack of newspapers this morning.

Ok, more deleted stuff, digest-form:

I don't care to tell you my plans; I know you want to know because you care and are concerned, etc, etc, but your doubt makes me doubt, and fucks me up. So, it'll be your fault if I fail;
Seriously, though, I really don't want input, unless it's pure encouragement; I've already thought through the risks, so leave me to it, okay?
Why am I so damned nice to everyone? Why can't anyone else do simple things for themselves? I hate thinking everyone is really so stupid;
Where am I going to make lunch money appear from? Proabably my Visa card, as much as I really want to avoid doing that.

Ok, so that last bit didn't belong in the digest, but I'm hungry and frustrated. Time to make some food appear out of nothing....

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08