smothered hope

I started writing an entry a few days back, but YouTube somehow managed to crash Firefox, and so that was that. For the record, it was all about my love of Diamanda Galas, and how I am yet again missing a concert series of hers in NYC. (Ah, someday I will see her, I suppose.) The FF crash came when I opened a Galas video in a new tab; the idea was to link to said video, but alas! It was not to be.

I'm watching my cat, Henry, chasing a bug at this moment. Said bug is flying around a lamp which is placed in a fairly precarious location near the edge of the table I am sitting at. Henry just swiped at the shade. This is bad news. I'm going to move this possibly-ill-fated lamp before a black and white disaster befalls it.

So, what have I been up to lately? Plenty. In my usual disorganized, overly-stressed-out (Yes, it's Hyphenation Day, deal with it.) way, not nearly enough. But hey! I'm doing something. The apartment's being painted, for one thing. For anyone who doesn't already know, I live in a rather large loft in a converted factory, which has many a perk. One of the, um, not-so-perky qualities (I'm tired, just let me hyphenate when I can't think of a word, okay?) is having to live with walls painted in Late Bedlam Period colours. Specifically, terra cotta orange (or, decrepit pumpkin, as I like to call it), royal blue, and a sort of institutional moss green. All in one room! Joy! Fortunately, most of it has been painted a soothing primer white. Actually, it's a screaming, blinding white, but in comparison to the previous colour scheme, it's A-OK with me.

Painting had my sewing pretty much out of commission for over a week, since my work area is in one of the common spaces of the apartment. On top of this, a party was held here last week, which meant I had to not only keep it tidy, but pretty much packed up and shoved in a corner. We moved on to another room to continue painting, so the work and time involved pretty much kept me away from sewing for a few more days. I was rarin' to go by Monday, so I whipped out some stuff I'd wanted to work on for a while and hopped to it.

And then disaster struck.

It began with a few wonky stitches, which I painstakingly pulled and re-sewed. I made a few tension adjustments, and thought I had the problem licked. But it just kept getting worse and worse. Perhaps I'm just tired, I thought, and packed it up for the night. Surely by morning my hands would have steadied themselves, and a productive day would ensue. But no-oooo-oooo, the Cosmos, which is notoriously Out To Get Me, decided that Tuesday would be the day my faithful Brother 1241 met with a fate worse than dusty joints, crueller than tangled thread, more frustrating than a broken belt (but not quite as bad as rust or frazzled electrics).

Yes, the tension mechanism decided to go berzerk. It seemed every time I attempted to adjust it, the thread would only bunch up even more. My top stitches were always too loose, unless I set the tension as high as possible, in which case the thread would stitch so tight, it broke. Then the dial (the only plastic piece on the whole machine) crumbled, leaving naked gears for the thread to snag itself upon. I took it apart, thinking perhaps there was some nefarious union of dirt and fluff gumming it up inside. Nothing, clean as a whistle. I put it back together. Everything was crooked, and I suddenly had three washers that refused to be put back in place. I looked up service manuals online, but it seems no-one is giving that shit away. Steve tried his had at it. I adjusted the bottom tension. None of these efforts bore fruit, so I ordered overpriced sushi.

I contemplated crying. I held back, because I am a Big Girl who behaves stoically and never loses her temper. No, wait, that's someone else. I let my anger and frustration and utter despair simmer inside of me until after we'd finished replacing the furniture in most recently-primed room, and then promptly lost my shit over a stupid matter of opinion. But I didn't cry, so I deserve a medal. Really.

Basically, I'm laughably broke. I cannot afford to have this machine fixed, except I kind of really, desperately need it to be fixed. I have tons, metric tonnes, of stuff to sew. I have so much prepared fabric, it's unreal. Things with pins in them, and stuff with pattern outlines drawn on, and sketches in my sketchbook, and so on. I also have an overdue Visa balance, rent coming up, and zero monies in the ol' bank account. Well, nearly zero. Again, I'm trying to be a Big Girl about everything, because I'm the one who chose joblessness, and I'm the one who didn't set enough money aside, and I'm the one who wants to be in charge of her own life and attempt to scrape by on a living made by selling her labours of love. But DAMN! Am I ever holding back the self-pity right now. Argh.

Ok, so I'm not holding it back so well at this particular moment, but you know what I mean.

The cats are snaky and chasing each other about. I keep having to rescue them from snagged claws, precarious table-tops and each other. Tell me this isn't similar to having toddlers.

On a better note, I managed to get myself some screen blocking and drawing fluids for printing, so with luck, I'll have some screen-printed goodies ready to sew in the near future. At the very least, I'll be able to make some pretty cards and images. Other lovely things include: coffees with peoples, possibly selling my amp for monies (if the people who relpied to my Craigslist Ad are at all serious), and terrific food made by a warm, fuzzy boy. (That would be Steve.) Oh, and the warm, fuzzy boy himself. He's a good thing, too. (Especially when he put sup with my snit and wah-wah-bebe-la-la moods.)

Whiny, bratty cats must be attended to, and I must be off to bed. That's all for now, kiddoes. Ex and Oh.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08