smothered hope

I'm not sure how to explain this feeling, but it happens quite often: I'm feeling positive, and I am full of energy, but at the same time I'm stewing in much self-loathing and negativity. I think it has much to do with this workplace. I think if I were somewhere I could do what I pleased, I'd lose the gloom and doom. Steve keeps telling me to quit my job, and I want to, but I really want to save soem money first. I've no idea if I'll be accepted to school, but I want to have at least a tiny nest egg to rest on if I am.

I was offered a seamstress gig by a fashion designer (a really real one! he trained in Milan and everything!), and if I can get more modelling jobs, I'll probably do well. Only the sewing job won't begin for a few weeks, and even then, I need a tutorial for the dude's machinery first. As for modeling, I haven't an actual portfolio to pimp around yet, and my body issues are beginning to creep up hardcore, so I kind of want to get some headshots printed and do a million and forty sit-ups before I go to town. So hanging on to my job of doom for another month might be a smart thing to do. I just wish I didn't feel so damned drained at the end of each day.

I've been really bad about going to the gym regularly, mostly because after work, I feel like doing nothing at all. I cannot seem to bribe myself to leave the house again once I've come home. And don't even suggest I go during my lunch hour; if only you knew how packed the Y near my office is, and UGH! the idea of coming back to work all sweaty and gross because I don't have enough time to work out and shower. No way. It's a great accomplishment that I will ever spend time in a room full of strangers, especially while wearing sweatpants and awkwardly trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do with most of the equipment. Actually, I think that's why most people stay on the treadmill for an hour - I doubt they know what to do with most of the other stuff, either.

Its not that I don't want to exercise, and I certainly want to reap the benefit, but I can't seem to get my ass to the gym. On weekends it feels so much easier, so it must be my job that makes me dread the gym so much. Hell, I wouldn't need to go to a gym so desperately if I didn't have an ass-farming job like this.

ass-farming n : 1 the act of allowing one's gluteus maximus muscles to congeal into a gelatinous shape and grow exponentially by spending most of one's time in an office or arm chair 2 any occupation or pastime which requires the participant to spend several hours resting on their posterior. (He weighed two hundred and fifty pounds because he spent most of his time ass-farming at the television.) (After several years on her feet as a bartender, Sandy was happy to take an ass-farming position in accounting.)
ass-farm, ass-farmer

Wait a second. So far as I know, I coined that term. Why am I not adding it to the Urban Dictionary? *pause* Ok, done.

Anyhow, all this talk of ass-farming and low motivation has my butt twitching. I'm going for a walk.

back | forth

listening:
reading:
ingesting:
(see entries before 20.11.05)

previously on Smothered Hope:

unreal - 20.05.08
in which our narrator kinda just babbles on a bit - 15.05.08
drank several margaritas last night. they were great. - 04.05.08
spacey - 29.04.08
i will most definitely regret posting this in public - 28.04.08